Forgotten Smiles

Once upon a time I had career goals and aspirations, but those faded over time. The first time I got pregnant I was very young. The pregnancy only lasted a few months, but when it was over I experienced a profound sense of loss. The connection that grew between me and the child I would never know awakened something inside me. After that, I wanted more than anything to be a mom. I also immediately started started birth control. Let's not get too crazy! I knew God's plan would unfold in time.

When I was 22 I met the father of my children. He had three kids that I loved instantly. I was excited to act as a stepmom to them, while always keeping in mind how I wished I had been treated by my own stepmother, with a healthy dose of space and respect.

When my first son came into the world I was over the moon. I doted over him like no one's business. As he got older I started to panic. I felt like a horrible mother! I had zero patience. Zilch, nada. You know that thing parents have that allows them to tune out their kids? I don't have one, never did. I know you hear it all the time, but parenting is SO hard. There it was, the thing I had wanted so badly. It was the only thing I ever felt truly called to do, and I sucked at it! Awesome!

On the inside I was a mess for years. Then just when I felt like I was getting the hang of things, along came baby #2. He was the PERFECT baby. He was happy all the time. The term "bouncing baby boy" finally made sense. Then one day he turned into hell on wheels. He is still super affectionate and kind...when he not acting like he needs an exorcism.

So every day I feel like I am failing miserably at this parenting gig. I keep tripping over the fine line between being strict enough to teach responsibility and being easy enough to let them enjoy childhood. I can't do ALL the things, nor do I want to.

I'll admit I'm a bit of a Negative Nancy. I tend to always remember the stressful parts of situations. I remember the flaws. I have an incredible amount of grace for others, but never any for myself. Then something happened the other day that made me stop and think.

I was scrolling through my Facebook photos looking for a specific picture. What I found were all of these moments that I had forgotten about when my kids were genuinely happy. It made my heart smile.

If you are going through a crap parenting season or you've forgotten how special the life you are giving your children is, go look in your Facebook "Uploads" folder. You'll find all the happy faces you have forgotten about. Those are the times your kids will remember. Your daily struggle is insignificant to them. The kids are happy to be living their best lives, and one day when the dust settles you'll see it too.






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