Oil Life, Happy Wife

Dear Me, Right now you are 20 years old. You have led quite the life up to this point. I promise your future will be just as eventful. I'm a little more than a year away from your 40th birthday. I wanted to talk to you for a minute about your body. You live in Florida and you always wear jeans unless you are at the beach because you hate your legs. You despise the light stretch marks on your hips that you've had since your growth spurt in the 5th grade. You are incredibly self-conscious about the slight pudge in the lower part of your belly. You think your cheeks are fat and they make you look like a chipmunk. You have always thought your boobs and butt were too small. You have always been your worst critic. But I need you to listen to me.  Think about things rationally for a minute. Do you think that bodies get better over time? People are not fine wine. Metabolism slows down. Skin gets wrinkly. Joints swell and fill with fluid. Things sag. You know that saying, "You don&

A great storm is brewing around the topic of ABA therapy. Some autistic adults have spoken out about how traumatic their experiences in ABA were. I am in no way discounting their stories. But now there is a mounting movement against ABA claiming that it is harmful to children. As with any treatment, what works for some does not work for all. From my book Autism Doesn't Own Us Anymore, here is our personal experience with ABA... " The next week Leland had his first ABA appointment. I went back with him, and she explained that they were going to be spending time on appropriate uses of emotions. Leland ran around and pulled half the items off her shelf. I frantically tried to find something that wasn’t destructive for him to do while glancing over my shoulder at the woman, nodding, and saying, “Uh huh” over and over. I thought emotions seemed like a reasonable place to start, given his typical emotional chaos. I was wrong. The next few appointments were horrific. Remember when I

Autism is not a superpower.  It may be a good image for a poster, but it is not reality. Autism is a developmental disorder characterized by difficulty in social interaction and communication and by restricted or repetitive patterns of thought and behavior. Does that sound like a superhuman, superior power to you?  Superpowers do things like allow people to fly, become invisible, have superhuman strength, heal themselves, teleport, etc.  Superpowers don't tear families apart. They don't make you contemplate whether life is worth living. They don't make little kids self-injure or hurt those they love. Superpowers don't keep people from being able to care for themselves. They don't cause adults to wear diapers forever. They don't keep children from communicating with their parents. The term "neurodiversity" makes me crazy. Kids with autism are not just born different. They have to acquire a diagnosis which then requires treatment. That is not something t

  So here's the thing... I'm the "check-in" friend. It's ok if we are friends or family and we go long periods of time without hanging out or whatever. But I'm always the one that pops in every few weeks with a funny meme or a "you alive, ho" message. You know why? Because I need my friends and family. There aren't a whole lot of people who are active in my life, and I'd like to keep the ones I have. And if I didn't check in I'd never talk to anyone. So the other day I got frustrated thinking about someone in particular and my stubborn Leo side came out. I said to myself, "You know what? I'm not doing it. It's always me. I am not gonna be the one to reach out this time. If she wants to talk to me, she knows where I am."  But here's the catch... It's a really hard habit to break. I didn't expect that. For days I've been having to stop myself from messaging her. I'm so used to being the one who does

I'm sure you've all heard the saying "be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about." That goes for children too.  Kids don't wear their struggles on their shirts. And if you are not directly involved in a child's care, you don't know what they have been through.  What you see as a child not listening could be a hearing impairment.  What you see as defiant behavior may be ADHD.  What you see as emotional outbursts may be autism.  What you see as a child refusing to do work may be anxiety.  What you see as a lack of communication may be a developmental delay.  Stop judging by what you think you know. Instead, be helpful, caring, patient. That child could have been through hell and back. He might be working 300 times harder than his peers.  Be unassuming. Lead by example. Show grace. Meet kids where they are. Little eyes are watching you. 

You'll see a lot of things in April about autism awareness. You may think to yourself that it seems to be everywhere. Why would we need to be more aware of autism? It's on shirts at Walmart and in our news feeds and on television. Why is there still a need for it? Because shoppers are still shocked and appalled by the "bad parenting" happening in stores when it's really the struggles of kids with autism that can't be helped.  Because there are still kids on playgrounds avoiding the kids who are loud or flappy. Because adults in public are still demanding a child say "please" before they can have something, without knowing if the child can speak.  Because we are still criticizing autism parents who are often struggling to even get out of bed. Because kids with autism are still being abused at schools where they aren't being protected. Because adults are still stepping out of the way when a child elopes instead of stopping them to keep them safe. 

I keep hearing other parents say that one must cherish every day in our children's lives because time goes by so fast. They act like if you blink you are going to miss their childhood entirely. And I get it. Time is strange. If you look into the future things seem very far away. If you look into the past, it's quite the opposite.  I have been with my husband for over 16 years, and I can remember the day we met like it was yesterday. Someone asked me the other day where we are planning to send my Kindergartener to middle school. I thought wow, that seems so far away. But when it gets here it will seem like no time has passed at all. So I understand time can be a mysterious, fickle thing. But I keep thinking that I must be telling time by a different clock than most people. Each day of parenthood feels like it lasts for 100 years. I have been a mom for 12 years, and it seems like the parenting portion of this ride has lasted wayyyy longer than the before time. And there is still