If Your Marriage Is Work, You're Doing It Wrong



There is no shortage of blogs and posts about how much work marriage takes. Insert hard eyeroll here. Marriage is not a job. Are there difficult seasons of life to get through? Sure. Do you have to spend the rest of your life looking for all the stuff your husband lost? Of course you do. If it feels like work, you're doing it wrong.

Marriage is about a partnership. It requires truly unconditional love, respect, honor, and a sense of humor. The energy between the two of you will ebb and flow. It is a constant give and take, but if you're doing it right, it stays balanced.

Too often couples forget that they are supposed to be a team. Small things creep in between and become a source of anger or resentment. That is toxic to a relationship. It is never me against my husband, it is always us against the world.

We live our lives together. We make plans and decisions together, and we ask each other for opinions and advice. We are more involved with each other than we are with anyone else...except maybe the children.

You have to see the value in your partner and be what he needs, when he needs. Whether it be someone to cheer him on in an endeavor or provide words of encouragement at the end of a bad day, you be there. Consciously treat him the way you want to be treated. Be his continuity, his safe space, as he is yours.

My first marriage was a disaster. I gave everything I had, and he didn't. I trusted blindly and I never saw it coming. On our one year anniversary he told me he was leaving me for a girl I thought was just his friend.

My next serious relationship was full of lies and deceit. He didn't respect me, and he took advantage at every opportunity. I pushed forward because I didn't want to be a quitter, but I knew all along it was never going to work. Ultimately I had to respect myself enough to leave.

I spent the next year just being single. I dated people, but mostly I learned about myself. I decided what I wanted and what I didn't. I made an unwavering list in my head of what I would tolerate and what I wouldn't. I became confident in myself. That helped me pave the way to a successful marriage.

The next part of the story is the absolute key to doing marriage right. You have to find the right person. I don't know that soulmates really exist, but I do think God puts people in your path for a reason.

I met someone who had recently gotten out of a long term relationship. He had been married and had kids. Through those experiences he knew who he was and what he wanted. Over the first several weeks of dating we discussed all those things. Those weeks weren't without romance, but they involved a practicality I was grateful for.

We both knew we didn't want to waste any more time than we already had in the wrong relationship, so we asked the hard questions and made sure we were compatible moving forward. Weeks turned into months. Months turned into years. We got married on our ten year anniversary. I could not have been any happier.

We have been together for 14 years. I'm even more in love with my husband today than I was back then. He's always the first one I want to talk to when I'm excited or upset. He can make me feel better when it feels like the world is crashing down on me. He anticipates my needs as I do his.

Our marriage doesn't feel like work because the "work" portion was done upfront. Marriage will not always be glamorous, but it's worth it. And if you do it right, marriage can be the fun part.


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