Oil Life, Happy Wife

I read an article yesterday about how our kids, teenagers especially, have outstanding scores in school but don't have any life skills. It recommended that we bring back a mandatory life skills class. I don't disagree with that. I think that's a great idea. I saw a bunch of comments about how parents now are lazy. Or they are helicopters that insist on doing everything so little Tommy doesn't have to lift a finger. Others said we are forcing our kids into academic servitude in an attempt to live vicariously through them at the school of our choice. I'd like to propose a different perspective. Many of us didn't have a typical upbringing through our teenage years. Some of us had to do everything in the home. All of the cooking, cleaning, the raising of siblings. Maybe we had a single parent who worked all the time or one who suffered from chronic disease, mental illness, or drug addiction.  Now those kids are raising kids and are trying desperately to let them enj...

It's been a minute since I've been inspired to write anything. Summer for most people is a time for vacations, sun and friends. For me, it's a time to rest and recharge. We have so many things going on during the school year that time seems rushed. There's always somewhere to be and something to do. It's nice to slow down and just enjoy being at home with the people I care the most about. We read a ton of books and snuggle to watch movies. We play cards and board games for hours. But my writing cap has been sitting on the shelf collecting dust and it's time to pick it up for a minute to mark an impending milestone.  I'm turning 40 on Tuesday and honestly, it feels weird. How am I 40? I feel like a younger person trapped in this aging body. Like all the other people around me are genuine adults and I'm pretending to be one. Is this what our parents felt like at 40?  It really seemed like they had it more together. I guess their lives looked easy because w...

Mother's Day is upon us. Much of the country is celebrating with lunch outings, flowers, and hugs. For some of us though, Mother's Day is complicated. It comes with a wide range of emotions all at once. Some of us don't have the traditional relationship with our mothers. Some have more than one mother. Many have women in our lives that very much mother us, but they aren't actually related. All of those apply to me.  I was raised by my adoptive mom. Some of it had hearts and flowers, but the journey wasn't perfect. I spent a time raising myself and my little sister. We don't talk anymore, but it doesn't mean that I don't mourn the past every time I think of her. In the time after that my ex-boyfriend's mom was a mom to me. In several ways she was better at it than my mom. Certainly she was more supportive and reliable. And she remains a pillar in my life twenty years later. Six years ago I found my birth mom. She is a beautiful soul. She is funny, tho...

Every day I read news articles about teachers leaving the profession in droves. I read stories about the failure of the system during the pandemic. I hear about growing expectations for drastically low pay. I get it, and I'll be the first one to tell you that you need to make your happiness a priority. I'm a teaching assistant in a kindergarten class. I know all too well the ding my phone makes when I get another Covid notification email. It happens multiple times a day. I know the urgency to cover a class that has been left without a teacher at the last minute. I know that teachers should have gotten a substantial pay raise decades ago.  I witness their magic every day and I don't see how they do it. They play mom or dad to all those kids while planning all of the exciting events. They go in early and stay late while maintaining a smile and a cheery disposition all day. And then when they finally go home they have their own families to tend to. And while they are technical...

I just finished a big clean out of my "Liked Pages" on Facebook. It felt good. Not quite as good as sending a truck full of stuff to the thrift store, but pretty close. I don't have a lot of time for social media anymore, and I want the content I'm seeing to be fulfilling. I want memes that make me laugh and articles that help me help my students. I want funny, relatable videos and blog posts. What I don't want is to be consumed with things that belong in the past. The old chapters of my life have been well defined. I'm a passionate, dedicated person. Once I become a part of something, I'm all in. For a couple of years I wrote for an adoption website. At first it was a few articles each month, but by the time I left that had increased to about 40 a month. I was writing news articles daily and several other larger pieces. When you are churning out that amount of content you kind of get burned out. When I stopped writing for them it wasn't because I was ...

So many people get completely overwhelmed this time of year. Most of the stress is piled on by us based on other people's expectations. Let those expectations go. I want you to close your eyes, clear your thoughts and picture only what brings you joy during the holidays. For me it's lights on the house, a decorated Christmas tree, watching Christmas movies as a family, and sending out Christmas cards with a picture of the boys. And that's exactly what we do every year. If we can squeeze in a trip to go see lights or go see Santa, then that's great. If we can't I'm not gonna stress it. We had a heck of a time finding Christmas pajamas for the boys to have their photo taken in this year. Since Jordan was born we have been taking pics at Christmas in pajamas. It's always been adorable. As the boys have gotten older we have moved from print pj's to character ones. They get to pick out the ones they like and be a part of the process. When we started looking a...

I met Jason when I was 22. He had three kids ages 6, 8, and 10. I remember being so nervous to meet them. What if they didn't like me? As we rode back to Florida from Louisiana listening to the kids belt out all the lyrics to Quiet Riot Metal Health, I fell in love with them instantly.  I tried my best to be friendly and loving without overstepping. I reflected a lot on all the things my stepmom had done wrong and how I could do better. I wanted to be a support for their relationship with their dad, not an interference. I cherished the time we got to spend with them and thought about them all the time while they were away.  Sharing kids is stressful though. Divorce is messy. If I'm being completely honest, there was a time when the adults couldn't stand to look at each other. Those days weren't enjoyable for anyone. They weren't healthy for us or for the kids. Letting go of all our bullshit not only made us better parents, it made us better people.  We aren't ju...

  I really struggle this time of year with traditions. For all of my parents' faults, they did manage to make this time of year magical. Thanksgiving was one of my favorite holidays. I looked forward to a table full of yummy food we only had in November. I enjoyed listening to my mom, aunt, and Granny in the kitchen preparing food and telling stories. I never learned how to make the dishes because they were supposed to be around forever.  As I got older the holidays got really hectic. We were going to five different places for Thanksgiving and Christmas just to see everyone. I started dreading the festive months because they were so busy and stressful. The kids didn't have any time to spend with their gifts before we had to rush off. It just wasn't fun anymore.  Later, our family broke apart and there were a lot less of us meeting for holidays. I was fine with that. I made my own choices. But, that warm holiday feeling I grew up with was gone. There were no more family st...

When Jordan was little he had the most magical elementary school experience. One that I took for granted at first. I thought he lucked up with a string of great teachers, but it was so much more than that.  As the years go by and I interact more with other schools I realize that what we have at Suter is not common. Don't get me wrong, there are amazing teachers everywhere. Leland had some of kindest, most patient women I've ever met for pre-k. That school as a whole was just not the same.  We've been through a lot during our time at Suter. Jordan started kindergarten in the old building and then moved to the new one. I enjoyed being a parent volunteer in his classroom until I had Leland. We were always at school for different events and extra-curriculars. We have watched amazing teachers and staff come and go. Then when Jordan moved on to middle school Leland started there. We went through all the covid chaos and survived. And now I work at the very place I have loved all t...

About six months after Daddy and I started dating he made an announcement. He said we were getting a chihuahua. He explained that his family's dogs had a litter of them and he had always wanted a white one. I told him that I really wanted it to be a girl. He said, "You're in luck, there is a girl that's white." The excitement began, and we impatiently awaited the call to come pick up our new addition. When your litter was six weeks old we were told you were weaned and we got the green light.  We drove all the way out to Jay and found a kiddie pool full of the smallest puppies I had ever seen. They pointed out which one was ours, and she was beautiful. She was also a little reserved. She stayed put in the pool and looked at us curiously. You pounced right to us, and beckoned us to play with you. It was that exact moment that you stole our hearts. Dad looked at me and asked what I thought. I told him that I was a little nervous that the first one would be stand offi...

I always knew I would be a rock star mom. I would use all the fun parts of my childhood and prevent all the pain and suffering I had endured. I would get the job right. I knew that was my destiny... Until I had kids. My first child was hyperactive, sure, but mostly he would absolutely talk your ears off. It was intensely stressful until he was about 5 years old. Then our small family got into a groove. We could go places and do things and actually have fun together. It felt like we could finally breathe. About a year later I found out I was pregnant again. I was wrecked emotionally. Why did things have to change? We were finally in a good place. We were enjoying life and we were happy. After giving birth to our youngest I realized I had been afraid for no reason. He was absolutely perfect in every way. I had never seen a baby smile so much. He was happy all the time.  Then after his first birthday everything changed. He became a ravenous monster I didn't recognize. He was angry and...

Dear Me, Right now you are 20 years old. You have led quite the life up to this point. I promise your future will be just as eventful. I'm a little more than a year away from your 40th birthday. I wanted to talk to you for a minute about your body. You live in Florida and you always wear jeans unless you are at the beach because you hate your legs. You despise the light stretch marks on your hips that you've had since your growth spurt in the 5th grade. You are incredibly self-conscious about the slight pudge in the lower part of your belly. You think your cheeks are fat and they make you look like a chipmunk. You have always thought your boobs and butt were too small. You have always been your worst critic. But I need you to listen to me.  Think about things rationally for a minute. Do you think that bodies get better over time? People are not fine wine. Metabolism slows down. Skin gets wrinkly. Joints swell and fill with fluid. Things sag. You know that saying, "You don...

A great storm is brewing around the topic of ABA therapy. Some autistic adults have spoken out about how traumatic their experiences in ABA were. I am in no way discounting their stories. But now there is a mounting movement against ABA claiming that it is harmful to children. As with any treatment, what works for some does not work for all. From my book Autism Doesn't Own Us Anymore, here is our personal experience with ABA... " The next week Leland had his first ABA appointment. I went back with him, and she explained that they were going to be spending time on appropriate uses of emotions. Leland ran around and pulled half the items off her shelf. I frantically tried to find something that wasn’t destructive for him to do while glancing over my shoulder at the woman, nodding, and saying, “Uh huh” over and over. I thought emotions seemed like a reasonable place to start, given his typical emotional chaos. I was wrong. The next few appointments were horrific. Remember when I ...

Autism is not a superpower.  It may be a good image for a poster, but it is not reality. Autism is a developmental disorder characterized by difficulty in social interaction and communication and by restricted or repetitive patterns of thought and behavior. Does that sound like a superhuman, superior power to you?  Superpowers do things like allow people to fly, become invisible, have superhuman strength, heal themselves, teleport, etc.  Superpowers don't tear families apart. They don't make you contemplate whether life is worth living. They don't make little kids self-injure or hurt those they love. Superpowers don't keep people from being able to care for themselves. They don't cause adults to wear diapers forever. They don't keep children from communicating with their parents. The term "neurodiversity" makes me crazy. Kids with autism are not just born different. They have to acquire a diagnosis which then requires treatment. That is not something t...

  So here's the thing... I'm the "check-in" friend. It's ok if we are friends or family and we go long periods of time without hanging out or whatever. But I'm always the one that pops in every few weeks with a funny meme or a "you alive, ho" message. You know why? Because I need my friends and family. There aren't a whole lot of people who are active in my life, and I'd like to keep the ones I have. And if I didn't check in I'd never talk to anyone. So the other day I got frustrated thinking about someone in particular and my stubborn Leo side came out. I said to myself, "You know what? I'm not doing it. It's always me. I am not gonna be the one to reach out this time. If she wants to talk to me, she knows where I am."  But here's the catch... It's a really hard habit to break. I didn't expect that. For days I've been having to stop myself from messaging her. I'm so used to being the one who does...

I'm sure you've all heard the saying "be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about." That goes for children too.  Kids don't wear their struggles on their shirts. And if you are not directly involved in a child's care, you don't know what they have been through.  What you see as a child not listening could be a hearing impairment.  What you see as defiant behavior may be ADHD.  What you see as emotional outbursts may be autism.  What you see as a child refusing to do work may be anxiety.  What you see as a lack of communication may be a developmental delay.  Stop judging by what you think you know. Instead, be helpful, caring, patient. That child could have been through hell and back. He might be working 300 times harder than his peers.  Be unassuming. Lead by example. Show grace. Meet kids where they are. Little eyes are watching you. 

You'll see a lot of things in April about autism awareness. You may think to yourself that it seems to be everywhere. Why would we need to be more aware of autism? It's on shirts at Walmart and in our news feeds and on television. Why is there still a need for it? Because shoppers are still shocked and appalled by the "bad parenting" happening in stores when it's really the struggles of kids with autism that can't be helped.  Because there are still kids on playgrounds avoiding the kids who are loud or flappy. Because adults in public are still demanding a child say "please" before they can have something, without knowing if the child can speak.  Because we are still criticizing autism parents who are often struggling to even get out of bed. Because kids with autism are still being abused at schools where they aren't being protected. Because adults are still stepping out of the way when a child elopes instead of stopping them to keep them safe.  ...

I keep hearing other parents say that one must cherish every day in our children's lives because time goes by so fast. They act like if you blink you are going to miss their childhood entirely. And I get it. Time is strange. If you look into the future things seem very far away. If you look into the past, it's quite the opposite.  I have been with my husband for over 16 years, and I can remember the day we met like it was yesterday. Someone asked me the other day where we are planning to send my Kindergartener to middle school. I thought wow, that seems so far away. But when it gets here it will seem like no time has passed at all. So I understand time can be a mysterious, fickle thing. But I keep thinking that I must be telling time by a different clock than most people. Each day of parenthood feels like it lasts for 100 years. I have been a mom for 12 years, and it seems like the parenting portion of this ride has lasted wayyyy longer than the before time. And there is still ...

I keep hearing other parents say that one must cherish every day in our children's lives because time goes by so fast. They act like if you blink you are going to miss their childhood entirely. And I get it. Time is strange. If you look into the future things seems very far away. If you look into the past, it's quite the opposite.  I have been with my husband for over 16 years, and I can remember the day we met like it was yesterday. Someone asked me the other day where we are planning to send my Kindergartener to middle school. I thought wow, that seems so far away. But when it gets here it will seem like no time has passed at all. So I understand time can be a mysterious, fickle thing.  But I keep thinking that I must be telling time by a different clock than most people. Each day of parenthood feels like it lasts for 100 years. I have been a mom for 12 years, and it seems like the parenting portion of this ride has lasted wayyyy longer than the before time. And there is sti...

We have come so far from where we were a year ago, but things are still hard. I can't imagine a time when they won't be true. In some ways, the more things change the more they stay the same. For every challenge we overcome there is one waiting in the wings to take its place. Does it really ever get easier or do circumstances just change?  Don't get me wrong, Leland's speech is an absolute gift. And we are not stuck in that hell that consumed everything. But from where we are now, is it just a sea of strife? The tide comes in and goes out, and it comes in and goes out. Our life just constantly trading one struggle for another?  I'm hoping that one day we will start to move forward to a life where everyone isn't always stressed out. I am so proud of my little man. I just want to make things easier for him. It's not fair. I want to charge ahead and clear a path. But instead we must hold his hand and walk through it together... As a family... At his pace.