Already a Year

Why did I come all this way for him to be gone?
What if I hadn't waited so long?
Why did I take so much time for granted?
What if I had tested just a few weeks sooner?
Would it have mattered?
Would he have wanted to see me?
Why didn't he say something?
Why didn't he tell them?

I don't regret the life I have had, but I should have been there. All those photos of my sisters growing up...I should have been there with them. I was meant to be there with them in those moments and memories. I have time though, to be with them now, but not with him. Was it really my destiny not to ever have known him? Did I take a wrong turn somewhere and miss my window of time to be with him? I would like to think that his death acted as a beacon of light for me to find my sisters. I would like to think that in some small way I could ease their pain. I would like to think that one day I will know him. All I can hope is that he will be proud.

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